clear channel

Pretend you are tuning a radio, the old fashioned kind with a knob. You hear disconnected pieces and parts of chatter suffused with annoying static-
CMV very common… hospital… intravenous anti-viral for 21 days… bad veins… CT scan… no food or water until after PET scan… biopsy negative… no protein associated with lymphoma… nodules on lung… no PET’s done on Sunday… very contagious…ganciclovir… blood levels normal…

Keep tuning and pretty soon you come to a clear signal, weak but rapidly getting stronger. It’s a quiet tune at first, easily drowned out by static and encroaching voices, but it gains in strength as you turn the dial listening carefully and following the signal... Voila! And there it is, the sweet melody of iron and oxygen rich red blood pulsing through strong healthy veins. Like the sweetest imaginable tune playing with the strongest signal it takes over static, and leaves nattering voices behind…

I’m not kidding, and this is only a semi-metaphor. It is a real description of true healing – the kind that happens from within, over and over. This is my experience of the last week, indeed the last 21 months. The frustration and fear of trying to make 1+1=2 or A lead naturally to B and then C, melts away when I tap into this other flow of energy, of life force, of love, prayer, magic, simple but profound caring… It is Zpora’s will, continually held and nourished by this circle of connection that I thank today. A temporary blurring of equilibrium; and vitality returns, and life force builds and renews...

Here is the straight medical situation, just so you know. There is no recurrence of lymphoma, no other sources of infection besides the CMV were found, she will continue with a lower (oral) dose of anti-viral for the rest of her chemo maintenance period (6 months!!!) She has gone back to work. She’s tired at the end of the day (who isn’t?) the odd little lumps (that they biopsied and that turned up negative) are disappearing, and she has no fever. All of the questions, all of the possibilities, all of the tests and the treatment did not lead to any one conclusive diagnosis of this particular blip at this time in this journey. But still, she is fine now. Thank you.

Today, for us, is a transition day. The kind of day that we are hoping to avoid (in the future) by making a move to Asheville. Not that Asheville has anymore inherent stability than Chapel Hill, but because it reflects, at least a beginning readiness to stop moving on our part. It’s a new and beautiful area for us to explore (great bookstore and lots of cozy wifi cafes). It is close enough to Zpora to satisfy our need to reclaim our lives and give her room to live hers sans parents. I have recently realized (after considerable self reflection, and with some sadness) that our presence does not keep her safe and sound.

We are moving Magnolia to a wild place on Hominy Creek about a mile from downtown West Asheville. It is only half a day's drive from Chapel Hill. What are our plans? Stay tuned!

ruby